Mock Fox 64
by CaliforniaTD
Summary: The events of Star Fox 64, possibly recounted from Falco Lombardi's memoir. Narrated by a mysterious stranger from Earth with a Stetson hat and an awesome mustache. Rated T for language and violence. Not to be taken seriously at all.
1. The Stranger from Earth

_Goodday to all o' ye. I'm a total neophyte to this notorious site known as , though I am no stranger to the subject of fan fiction itself. It is here where I will be lampooning one of the most cherished games of my childhood, made recently popularized and memorable by fads and memes on internet image and message boards that are accustomed to forging the most vile shit on the internet. Yes, it is Star Fox 64, or Lylat Wars to you British chaps. Possibly because SF64 is a piece of cake to make fun of. The title itself is dedicated to an writer, Chris Buchanan, known for writing the well known Mass Effect 1 parody, Mock Effect._

_So, I present to you in all its fluffy, fuzzy glory; Mock Fox 64's prologue chapters. Yes it needed three prologue segments. Got a complaint, take a number you sissies. The prologue as well as much other parts of the story, will be narrated by an old rustic feller you movie goers and Coen Brothers fans might recognize._

**Prologue - The Stranger from Earth**

Corneria, a relatively quiet place after the raging war. It was roughly twenty minutes before closing time inside the intergalactic diner in the factory district of Corneria City. Barely a few Lylat system folks stayed to eat the resturaunts horrible chili, but the majority of the less than sprawling activity was focused on the milk shake bar.

If a camera happened to be nearby, it would most certainly be panning across a blue jay dressed in greaser clothes, a bear smoking a cigarello, some random meer cat with a rainbow colored afro wig. Most noticably there was an organism, a human to be exact who was completely out of place in a System full of animals. He wore late 19th century cattle driver clothing, complete with a Stetson hat, a vest, and a pair of Remington revolvers tucked at his of his hips. He also had a mustache that would make Theodore Roosevelt envious, and the posture of the Angel of Death. He looked at the theoretical camera and smiled.

"Glad to have you all with us." The human said a voice that sounded like his throat was filled with wet sand and a cheese grater windpipe. He was taking another sip of his Pabst Blue Ribbon flavored milkshake and crushing up the wrapper of a strip of beef jerky before tossing it in the trash. He then looked back at the camera. "You're probably wondering who I am, and just what the hell I'm doing in place and a planet like this, away from Wyoming."

His mouth contorted from a smile into a more stern lookup.

"I'm Sam God Daymn Elliot, that's who. And I always play Goddamn cowboys. Look at me, I could play a Goddamn cowboy in my sleep." He took another drag off his shake, the iced beer floating down his gullet and into a stomach that was accustomed to Baked Beans and raw Elk meat. "But I digress. This ain't my story at all. Naw, I'm a far too modest man to boast about what I've done. It's chump work compared to what a feller named Fox McCloud did a couple o' weeks ago."

Another human entered the diner, wearing a simple grey trenchcoat. "Excuse me, my name is Rick May, I'm a voice actor, I'm supposed to be the narrator for this ga-"

Sam Elliot looked back at Rick, his head tilted like the face of an angered God. "I was here first." He smirked, his mustache bending like a finger that seemed to point in the direction of the exit. Rick merely shrugged and walked off.

Sam turned his body around and took another sip, being sure to delay pure soberness as much as possible, but he didn't want to be stone drunk. "Now, I suppose it's time I shed some light on the situation.

"Corneria. Fourth planet of the Lylat System. A misguided monkey man going by the name of Andross began abusing his Ph.D in genetics or biology a little too much and decided to nearly burn the hell out of this place with his own handiwork, making it look like planets like Zoness were shat out of a large omnipresent being's keister. I don't know how he got around to doing that, but I guess a summer program and a membership in monkeyskull and bones society will get you pretty far, but don't take my word for it.

"So we introduce the benevolent yet facist dictator of Corneria, General Pepper. Where I come from, if a man with that name enlisted in the cavalry, he'd never make it to sergeant. Doesn't matter. Anyway, he decided Doctor Monkey Brains didn't do things so well so he kicked his ass starside where he eventually on a festering hellhole of a ball that somehow managed to be dubbed a planet, known as Venom.

"So here's where it gets interested. A trio of hired guns, the leader vulpine named James McCloud, another a wise old rabbit named Peppy Hare, and last and quite least a piggly wiggly named Pigma Dengar all got the cue to head over to Venom to investigate some strange activity, including an increase in Google traffic as well as a number of Meat Loaf albums being ordered and shipped there by private freighting services.

"After they got there, the plan went to such hell that even the entirety of Doom 64 felt like it was a walk in the flowers with an 80's pop soundtrack instead of a ambient musical score that was composed by Bezelbub himself."

The man stopped, and scratched his chin. "Well, it'd be criminal just to tell you. You might be interested in seeing it, though." He smirked. "Though I warn you, it's so incredibly traumatic, that you may have to pop a valium just to get through it. You've been warned."


	2. Oh, the humanity

**Prologue 2/3 - Oh, the humanity**

Though the office was large, roomy, lavish and quite comfy, the centerpiece and pride of the entire domain was a vinyl record player that was flanked with cabinets and shelves full of various albums, from the works of Lionel Ritchie, Jefferson Starship, and even a copy of the Return of Bruno by Bruce Willis.

To the left of this record player was a massive oak desk trimmed in twenty karrot gold and a titanium crest with a large iron fist. On top of it were the firmly placed elbows of an ape that looked as if he were cosplaying a Brotherhood of Nod officer from one of the Command and Conquer games, as well as pens, paper with the ape's own logo, and pictures of mom and Syd Barrett. Behind him was a window that allowed clear view to a horrid apocolyptic exterior that not even James Cameron would be able to bear scene spotting for another Terminator movie.

The door burst open, the hinges nearly buckling in agony from the sheer force. From behind, a trio of battered mercenaries were shoved into the room by yellow and black clad henchmen with machineguns and superior numbers. Two were handcuffed, the other was counting a large sum of banknotes in his hand which he dropped as he was pushed in. "OH GOD!" Pigma screamed. "THE MONEY TOUCHED THE GROUND!"

The obese swine then dived into the carpet floor and began sucking the paper dollars up into his mouth, nearly choking on them. The other two, captors to say the least was a Fox with a pair of crooked sunglasses and his fur all riled up from previous beatings. The hare was vomiting quite a bit of liquid red substance on the floor in long intervals, his legs buckled and his stomach churning with every bowl.

"Dear God, is he throwing what I think he is?" One of the ape guardsmen gasped, his submachinegun shaking along with his hands.

"No." Peppy wheezed. "That was just the cranberry juice and fruit roll ups I had for breakfast." He gagged once more and retained his professional military stance. "I wish you guys wouldn't have taken the train here, gah... do you know how much I hate them?"

There was a silence that seemed premeditated as the suit clad ape walked around with a cigar in his mouth. He produced a lighter from his pocket and the drill of flame seared the end of it, as he moved his lips around for good measure.

"Well gentlemen, I've been pretty busy. My collegue mad scientists have been trying to find ways to mutate me and develop me into some sort of entity. That way, I can practically rule the Lylat sector in the comfort of some lime green watery void bunker five miles below ground level, as nothing more than a floating head with two hands. Now then, are these three gentlemen the goons from Blackwater-"

"Star Fox, your excellency." One of the henchmen quickly stuffed the correction into the sentence.

"Yes, that's what I said, isn't it?"

The orangatang henchman broke into a sweat, his military attention stance bending backward slightly as chills ran up his spine. "Yes sir."

"Yes it was. Anyway..." Andross stepped around the desk, sitting against the golden trimmed edge and crossing his arms. "...first off, Mr. Dengar, for bringing them in at such an impecable time, how would you like your bonus?"

The pig's springlike tail twitched a few times before he removed himself from the dollar bill soiled carpet. He spat a mouthful into his hands. "Well, twenty five percent more of this if you don't mind... a gift card to Aquas Grande Resort, and two of your R.E.O. Speedwagon vinyls."

"First of all." Andross puffed on his cigar. "Aquas Resort was seized and captured for bioweapon production."

"Oh that's right." Pigma snorted, hanging his head down slightly in a teaspoon full of shame and embarrassment.

"Second of all, the Vinyls are always... ALWAYS off limits." The ape then turned and head for the desk, shuffling through papers to occupy the time being.

"So..." James McCloud huffed, shaking his head to where his aviators fell off to the floor. "...this explains the Meatloaf album orders."

"Yes, and I had to wait two years to get Midnight at the Lost and Found because you kept blowing up the smuggler freighters carrying the copies!" Andross barked.

"What? That wasn't even me!" James huffed, shaking his head.

"Then why may I ask did bootleg tapes circulate Lylat of you admitting you were sabotaging my operations while saying 'My name is James McCloud' before and after each sentence?"

"Wha- wha?" James stammered. "I was drunk that night! Pigma made me say it!"

"That's right! Blame it on the pig!" Dengar oinked, flossing his teeth with one of the dollar bills.

"Nevertheless, I rest my case." Andross merely shook his head.

"You know, smoking his bad for you." Peppy piped.

"Ah, the advice rabbit. Would it surprise you to tell you that I don't inhale?" Andross stood directly in front of him.

"I do. Second hand smoke." Peppy replied, staring at him with his willfull rabbit eyes that looked as if they were carved out of stone.

"Hmm. Smarmy little man." Andross then pulled the cigar from his lips and flicked it at Peppy, the cancer stick going between his two tall ears. "Gah... for crying out loud! I was pointing blanking that and I still missed!" The ape then punched the hare in the face.

Though this blow was merely as powerful as a girly backhand. Peppy just knelt, dumbfounded, confused, and feeling a little silly. Andross merely shook his head, trying to not crack a frown. "I really need to be mutated soon. Anyway, proceed with the complicated execution process."

The two captives were then taken out into a dry and horrid wasteland, flanked by a squad of Venomian infantry. "Man, it smells like the locker room of Hell's Basketball team out here." James piped.

"Horrible metaphor." The squad sergeant growled. "It smells fine."

"So when do you execute us?" Peppy asked excitedly.

"We have our own method for each of you." The sergeant spoke, uncuffing the Fox and stepping back, pulling Peppy along with them. "So tell me, Mr. McCloud. Ever deal with a dog before?"

"You mean like General pepper and three quarters of the Cornerian Army? All the time." James snickered.

"I meant, like a domesticated dog."

They all heard barking in the distance, several dogs approaching.

"Peppy listen to me." James huffed, the galloping of horses heard coming over the hills. "Sometime soon, you're going to have to pull a nearly impossible escape attempt and inform me of my son about his deadbeat father's merely implied death!"

"Mkay." The hare replied, taking a boxlet of tic tacs and pouring two into his hand before hammering them down into his jaws.

"There you will train him to become the ultimate high scoring badass, give him advice, form up a new team out of the ashes of the old."

A pack of bloodhounds, as well as a formation of humans in 18th century Fox hunter clothing mounted on stallions ran over the hillside, sporting nets and rifle carbines.

"When in a drawn out struggle, you must tell him to do use the boost to get through. In the midst of an obstacle, tell him to use bombs wisely. Yell the word 'no!' as loud and long as possible if he were to fall in battle. Tell him to emerge victorious, marry some blue furred bimbo vixen that's destined to be the subject matter of various disgusting yiff fanfictions, and tell him to carry out the name of the McClouds!" James ran his ass off across the Venomian dunes as he was being pursued. Flintlock pistols and hunting carbines shot off, the musket balls kicking up dirt around his feet.

"What should I tell him if he's stressed or being overwhelmed?" Peppy asked, cruching on his tic tacs.

"Tell him to- ARRGGGHHH. THAT BULLET WENT IN!"

"JAAAMES!"

"Tell him to- AIIIGGHHHH! BAD DOG! STOP HUMPING MY LEG! MY EAR!"

"NOOOO!"

James was swarmed by the dogs who viciously began tearing him apart, and Peppy was furiously trying to let his dying words sink in.

"So." Peppy mused and cleared his throat to the Venomian hit squad, trying to act as nonchalant as possible. "What's my method of execution?"

"Well, we take you to Old Man Hodges' garden maze so you get chased around by a scythe, until he eventually catches up with you." The squad leader replied.

"He was an olympic runner for Australia. Two gold medals in the late seventies and early eighties." A skinny venomian chimp added.

"Uhh... you know I'd love to stay but... I really have to go." Peppy spoke, twiddling with his wristwatch.

"Whaddya mean? You only just arrived. Stay and chat a while."

Luckily, the venomians were brought up on the Xbox 360, Playstation 3, and Wii generation, so they had no idea what the initial humming sound from Peppy's wristwatch was. Itwas given to him by James Bond after the Goldeneye missions. The sergeant's laser sidearm flew out of its holster and Peppy caught it with his free hand.

The result afterward was Peppy managing to fell three henchmen and route the others in a panic. Like Michael Jordan he leapt over enemy fire from nearby henchman, laser turrets, as well as the musket sporting Fox hunters. Eventually, in a matter of pure survivalism and escape prowess, he left Venom behind in Arwing, which had been stripped of its radio, cup holders, and leather lining for the seats, making the journey more hellishly uncomfortable than he originally predicted.


	3. The Epiloguish Prologue

**Prologue 3/3 - It's only just begun**

"Well, Peppy turned up at the McCloud homestead to inform Fox of his father's implied death, all whitewashed of course." Sam Elliot spoke, concluding it. "Needless to say, after a few grunge and industrial rock albums later, he finally made peace with the past... before he recieved military training at the Cornerian Air Force academy. Then that's when he formed the second Star Fox team."

Sam waved his empty beer shake glass at the diner owner, a boar. "Can I have one for the road. Don't worry, I hailed a cab." He smiled, his mustache bending like a treble note as he winked.

The boar diner owner leaned over to him. "You sure... you have had a lot and I'd be worried about what would be going on in the morning."

"Not even moonshine is brave enough to give yours truly a hangover." One corner of Elliot's mouth sank into a stern frown. "Trust me."

The boar nodded, going over to fill a styrofoam cup full of Pabst Slushbeer. A snakeskin wallet was produced out of Sam's back pocket in his pants, opening and laying down Lylat credit notes on the counter, being sure to tip generously. He then folded his arms on the counter and looked at the camera at an angle.

"You think it ends there?" He smirked. "We're just gettin' started."


End file.
